A guy has posted a pretty good set of Do’s and Don’ts on Men Seeking Women this morning. I include his post below, with some of my comments:
Do’s and Don’ts of Online/CL contact and first dates
Date: 2010-01-13, 10:35PM PST
Over the last few years I have experienced a number of online induced meetings and so I want to share some of the things I have learned and maybe help some less experienced along the way. Trust me, a lot of this came from hard won experience, and yes, I am still looking, and still having both good and bad (some horrible) online dating experiences.
The Do’s
• Write a clear and concise posting outlining what you want and maybe something about yourself. One, two, or even three liners are just stupid, and a waste of time. The same goes for replies to people’s posts, put in some effort.
Don’t forget that while super-short posts are indeed lame, overly long ones can be equally ineffective.
• When replying to someone’s post make sure you reference the post several times to let them know you actually read the damn thing.
Amen, brother.
• Include a clear picture of yourself, recent is best, and properly sized. For the love of all that is holy learn how to use that Photoshop LE that came with your piece of shit computer and size it properly. CL accepts up to 150kb files I think. Look it up.
No need to include the picture in your initial post, especially if you’re looking to preserve a modicum of privacy. But yes, send an appropriately sized, clear face picture with your initial response to someone’s post for sure.
• Spell check yourself for Christ’s sake already, or have someone proofread for you. Just at least act like you know *a lot* is two words or the difference between *your* and *you’re* for the sake of maybe getting a date.
Don’t forget the difference between discrete and discreet, peak and pique, their, there and they’re…
• Try to stay positive and optimistic. Confidence is attractive to everyone.
Especially unattractive are posts dissing the others using Craigslist, as in “I am better than all the usual losers here.” Hate that.
• Pick a public place, be on-time, and maybe even agree beforehand that it will only be a 30 minute, maybe an hour date so everyone knows where they stand.
The choice of location is particular to each couple, but yes, be on time, and keep the first date short unless things are going amazingly well.
• Be confident about who you are and what you want. Don’t expect them to guess that having kids is a deal breaker, or that you hate smokers, or that you will never have oral sex, just tell em upfront if you can.
This one can be tricky, especially if you have some particular sexual preferences that could be considered deal breakers in a relationship. I have spoiled more than one comfortable date by stating my preference for a large cock, sending some walking with their tails (or something) between their legs.
• If the first date goes past an hour or so and things are going great, one or the other will assume you are interested if you aren’t, state that as soon as you realize it. If there is no chemistry but you like them and enjoy their company as a friend-like human and are going to spend a lot of time with them they will assume you are into them as they are into you. This can get awkward. Simply saying “I don’t feel that chemistry thing going on but I think you are cool, ok if we hang out as friends for a while and get to know one another” will go a long way people.
Be honest and direct, for sure. (That reminds me, I owe someone an “I’m sorry, but I’m not really interested” email.
• Shower and wear something appropriate to that first date. Again, do I need to say this?!
Duh.
• Meet somewhat quickly after you both have emailed a few times. The sooner the better I say.
Agreed.
The Don’ts
• DON’T LIE about your age, your height, your weight, your anything. Seriously do you think you will get away with it?! The first date will prove you aren’t 6 feet tall or that your pictures were all 40 lbs ago. Even fudging a couple of years to stay within some arbitrary search parameters is dubious at best, and if you do this, fess up immediately when you first reply to some interested party. Otherwise why should anyone ever trust you at all?
Honesty is best, yes.
• DON’T BE LATE! If the person is a no-show on a first date, walk away after 20 minutes waiting MAX (unless they call of course). I don’t care how much you like their pictures, or their emails, if they can’t be on-time for that first date WTF?! And don’t rebook another date for the love of pete.
Agreed.
• DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX (or exes) or your mother for that matter in the emails or the first date. Not once, not ever! Seriously, just leave them out of everything. Unless of course you are trying to sabotage that first date, then spout away, open that spigot wide and go at it. I did that once and it was mildly hysterical.
I think this one matters more to guys than to women, but I’ll take his word for it.
• DON’T BLOCK OUT YOUR EYES in your photo. Truly are you retarded?
Thank you!
• DON’T send a picture with you and other people, especially exes! First it is confusing and second it is just lame to make people wonder what the fuck is going on when all they want is to see what you look like.
I love when I receive a picture of two or more men and am left to guess which one is the respondent.
• DON’T SEND MULTIPLE EMAILS if they haven’t written you back in a while. Chances are they don’t have a good feeling about you and relentlessly pursing them just makes them hit delete all the faster. Let it go. Rule of thumb: they send you and email, you reply, they reply to your reply, you reply to theirs…get the idea?
Good advice, for sure. Nothing worse than multiple emails from someone I don’t have the time or inclination to respond to the first time.
• DON’T FREAK THE FUCK OUT if they want to leave after about 30 minutes of a first date, even if you think it is going swimmingly, if they want to go, don’t grill them, just say “Nice to meet you, take care” and let them go. Really, who wants to force someone to stay in a situation they are uncomfortable in?
For sure.
• DON’T EVER SEND PICTURES OF YOUR JUNK, well, unless they ask you too in their post. Do I even need to say that?
Hmmm, some of you know me well enough to know my take on this one could be different. But I agree that this advice is probably best overall.
• DON’T COPY AND PASTE THE SAME REPLY TO MULTIPLE PEOPLE, this is just lazy and dumb. Might as well go to the copy center, make fliers, and put them on people’s cars.
You know how I feel about cut and paste responses.
• DON’T INCLUDE LINKS in that first email if it is at all possible. Why would anyone reply, let alone click through to some weird link?
I don’t want to go to your MySpace page, or your company website or hear your favorite new song. Not ’til I know you better.
• DON’T FUCKING PUNCH YOUR DATE. Never is this good, yes that means you, Miss Carrie Anne Moss look-alike, you were hot but you hitting me just made me run all the faster, you damn nutter you. Again, unless this is something you both agreed upon and want.
Ummm, ok.
• DON’T FLOOD THE RECIPIENT WITH PHOTOS, send them 2-3 at the most and let them ask for more. Better to leave them wanting as opposed to thinking you are insane. Or vain.
Agreed.
• DON’T PUT YOURSELF IN WEIRD SITUATIONS ON THE FIRST DATE, seriously, don’t go home with them, don’t drink heavily and make out in the bar, don’t be surprised when they sleep with you that first night and never call you ever again. Really, I just slept with someone a few weeks ago because she was all over me at the bar and I had zero respect for her, just considered her disposable the minute she got all floozy-like on me. Unless you are in Casual Encounters or something, but I am talking about dating here not hookups. Sex on the third date can be hot and will make for something worthwhile in establishing a relationship.
Interesting. Something for this floozy to consider :-)
• DON’T EXCHANGE EMAILS FOR OVER A WEEK’S TIME before meeting if at all possible. If you are getting along with emails suggest a phone call or a meeting after a few, and then meet up quickly. Better to manage expectations of a real person than of some fantasy your brain will create if you let it go too long in that email land. This one is KEY, meet them dammit.
Carpe diem.
I know I am forgetting some things but that covers a lot and should get you all started. If this is helpful at all go forth, date, have sex, get married, whatever.
If you think this is all a bunch of bullshit, good on ya, go forth and wreak havoc on people with your lying, offensive, psycho crap. See what I care.